Category: Humor

Coffee Cup Mystery

New Bug Entered

Title:

Coffee cup is empty (Incident number 24,078).

Repro Steps:

  1. Observe coffee cup.
    • Expected Results: Coffee cup should have coffee in it.
    • Actual Results: Coffee cup does not have coffee in it.

Status Update

Re: Coffee cup is empty (Incident number 24,078).

The Bug “Coffee cup is empty (Incident number 24,078)” was resolved by getting up, going into the kitchen and pouring myself another cup of coffee.

Second New Bug Entered

Title:

Coffee cup periodically becomes empty for unknown reason.

Repro Steps:

Warning: The precise process for reproducing this Bug is unknown. I have no idea why this intermittent Bug is occurring.

  1. Fill cup with coffee.
  2. Observe coffee cup periodically.
    • Expected Results: The coffee cup should always have coffee in it.
    • Actual Results: Sometimes the coffee cup does not have coffee in it. I have no idea what causes this to happen.

Status update from Product Management.

Re: Coffee cup periodically becomes empty for unknown reason.

You are drinking the coffee you fool. Our Coffee Cup product does not currently have and automatic refill feature. That feature is planned for the future. We may be able to get to that feature in the year 3025.

Stop reporting these Bugs, please.

Status update from tester.

Re: Coffee cup periodically becomes empty for unknown reason.

I have no memory of drinking the coffee. However, I acknowledge that it is remotely possible that I did drink the coffee without realizing what I was doing.

I will do as you requested and stop entering these “Coffee cup is empty” bugs.

Is there any chance we can get to the automatic refill feature before the year 3025?

The Birth of the Lizard Man

I was frightened when, after taking the most painful shit in my life, which came after the longest period of constipation I have ever experienced in my life, I looked down into the toilet and saw movement. My fear turned into horror when a being that looked like a cross between a human infant and a lizard crawled out of the toilet, held up its arms, looked up at me and said “mommy”.

Bed Sizes

Official

  • Crib
  • Single Small
  • Twin
  • Twin XL
  • Full
  • Full XL
  • Queen
  • Olympic Queen
  • King
  • California King
  • Wyoming King
  • Alaska King

Unofficial

  • Orgy
  • Super Orgy
  • Olympic Pool
  • Football Field
  • Stadium
  • City Block
  • City
  • Lake
  • State
  • Nation
  • Ocean
  • Continent
  • World
  • Star System
  • Star Cluster
  • Galaxy
  • Galaxy cluster
  • Universe
  • Multiverse

Can you imagine how large a multiverse bed would be?

New Software Engineer versus Experienced Software Engineer

New Software Engineer

A new Software Engineer may do the following.

  1. The new Software Engineer spends hours or perhaps even days writing a new application just to get to the point where they have an application that should run.
  2. The new Software Engineer begins to test the new application, fully expecting it to work.
  3. The new Software Engineer is surprised to learn that the application does not work at all.
  4. The new Software Engineer reviews the source code of the application hoping to deduce why the application is not working only to conclude that it is one of the unfathomable mysteries of the universe.
  5. The new Software Engineer then begins debugging the application out of desperation.
  6. Hours or even days later the new Software Engineer has finally fixed all known issues and concludes that the application is now working as expected.
  7. The new Software Engineer sends the new application to Quality Assurance for testing fully expecting Quality Assurance to pass all test cases.
  8. The new Software Engineer is shocked to learn that one or more test cases failed.
  9. The new Software Engineer begins to suffer from impostor syndrome.

Experienced Software Engineer

An experienced Software Engineer may do the following.

  1. The experienced Software Engineer spends hours or perhaps even days writing a new application just to get to the point where they have an application that should run.
  2. The experienced Software Engineer begins to test the new application, fully expecting it to work.
  3. The experienced Software Engineer is surprised to learn that the application does work with a few minor issues.
  4. The experienced Software Engineer reviews the source code of the application hoping to deduce why the application is working nearly as expected only to conclude that it is one of the unfathomable mysteries of the universe.
  5. The experienced Software Engineer then begins debugging the application out of desperation.
  6. Hours or even days later the experienced Software Engineer is finally satisfied that the new application is working nearly as expected and begins resolving the few minor issues they found.
  7. A few hours or days later they feel that they finally have something that is ready for testing.
  8. The experienced Software Engineer sends the new application to Quality Assurance for testing fully expecting Quality Assurance to fail at least half of the test cases.
  9. The experienced Software Engineer is shocked to learn that most, if not all, of the test cases passed.
  10. The experienced Software Engineer begins to suffer from impostor syndrome.

7 is the loneliest number.

Long ago “6 7 8” and “7 8 9”. After that, we counted objects as follows: “1 2 3 4 5 7 8 10”.

Some time later “5 7 8” and “7 8 10”. After that, we counted objects as follows: “1 2 3 4 7 8 11”.

Some time later “4 7 8” and “7 8 11”. After that, we counted objects as follows: “1 2 3 7 8 12”.

Many years went by. 7 ate more and more numbers.

Until eventually, 7 was all alone in the universe because it had eaten all the other numbers.

Stabby McStabber

Stabby McStabber is widely regarded to be the stabbiest stabber of them all. Stabby McStabber has stabbed so many people that all the governments of the world have given up on their attempts to bring him to justice since they have lost too many armies to him.

Stabby McStabber has an arch rival, Stabby McBackStabber. Stabby McStabber believes that Stabby McBackStabber is dishonorable for stabbing people in the back. Stabby McBackStabber believes that Stabby McStabber is a fool for insisting on facing the people he stabs.

Law McLawMan has sworn to bring both Stabby McStabber and Stabby McBackStabber to justice, no matter what it takes. Unfortunately, Law McLawMan does not have the support of any governments. Law McLawMan has also sworn to bring the author of this tale, Auth McAuthor, to justice.

Gov McGovMan is actively interfering with the efforts of Law McLawMan. Gov McGovMan believes that the efforts of Law McLawMan will only get more people killed needlessly.

Ass McAssassin has on multiple occasions refused to accept a contract to kill Stabby McStabber or Stabby McBackStabber. Last month, Ass McAssassin was questioned about his refusal to go after Stabby McStabber or Stabby McBackStabber in a tavern after having a few too many drinks. While he was drunk, Ass McAssassin admitted that he will not go after Stabby McStabber or Stabby McBackStabber because he admires them both. Ass McAssassin did accept a contract to kill Auth McAuthor.

Sol McSoldier has turned against his government because he is angry at his government due to having lost too many friends as a result of pointless battles against Stabby McStabber.

Warp Drive Fart

Every time you fart, Fate rolls a 20 sided dice. The variable R represents the result.

  • If R is equal to 6, 10, 14, or 20 you are launched into space in a random direction at Warp 9.999.
  • As long as you are traveling at Warp you are safe. The Warp bubble contains an enclosed environment that supports life.
  • You will remain at Warp for precisely 2 * R hours.
  • When you drop out of Warp you will continue moving straight forward at the same speed you were traveling at when you entered Warp.
  • You do not have the ability to survive in space without life support.

If you had this ability, how would you survive?

Do you think this weapon is over powered?

Exquisite Enchanted Ass-ass-in Dagger

  • Base Damage: 20 – 50
  • + 100 Piercing Damage
  • – 100 Damage Resistance in Target
  • + 50 Poison Damage
  • + 50 Acid Damage
  • + 50 Necrotic Damage
  • + 50 Fire Damage
  • + 50 Explosive Damage
  • + 50 Holy Damage
  • + 5000 Additional Damage Against Dragons
  • + Disfiguring Wounds Curse
  • + Eternal Stench Curse
  • + Eternal Impotence Curse

With the Disfiguring Wounds Curse, the Eternal Stench Curse, and the Eternal Impotence Curse, if this dagger does not kill you it adds insult to injury.

The foolish last words of many dead people

This list contains the foolish last words of many dead people.

  • What could possibly go wrong?
  • What’s the worst that can happen?
  • Want to see something cool?
  • I can make that jump.1
  • It could not possibly get any worse than this.
  • It is just a minor problem.
  • There is no need to worry about it.
  • This is going to be fun!
  • It is just a harmless animal bite.2

Can any of you think of examples that I missed?

BTW: This was inspired by a book I am reading. The main character in the book said to himself “It could not possibly get any worse than this”. An hour or so later it got much worse. Nine people died. The main character survived.

  1. Contributed by one of my co-workers, Andrew Derry-Farrell. ↩︎
  2. Usually not the last words spoken. However, a person who dies of rabies may say this several months before they die. ↩︎

How would you respond in this situation?

Consider the following scenario. A warrior has a magical war cry skill that has the effects described in the war cry. For example, if the warrior uses the skill and shouts “intimidating war cry” all people who hear  the war cry are intimidated unless they have the appropriate resistance skill.
What would you do if you are part of an army that is facing that warrior in battle, the warrior uses the skill and shouts “humiliating, intimidating, frightening, emasculating, feminizing war cry”?